I wrote this piece SEPT 2018. It resides deeply in the here & now. Enjoy.
As I sit alone with Bubo (my laptop) and stare deeply into his eyes for hours on end, I feel magic coursing through my veins and beyond. Riding like free horses through my energy fields, galloping strongly through me, around me...above & below. This is quite a gift! A glorious gift, and I am grateful. I feel courage•wonder•passion•love•light simultaneously. As I pick and choose each word with devotion and care. A gardener of this time & space. As I learn how to connect. As I find ways to reach out. As I heal from the wounds of the here & now. As I leave behind the pain of the past. As I feel the warmth on my back, walking away from the fire burning; the mass destruction left behind me. Explosions by another (it burns). A mess left by the careless lies hocked up and spit in my face, disguised as sweet nothings or light kiss on the cheek.
As you might have reckoned I have been through a painful but finally healing uncoupling. The beginning of the end was in JAN of this year. I had been honest about my pain, fears of constant dishonesty & desires to move on. The reality for the other finally came one month ago to this day. Coming out of seven months of being stripped of my essence, and one month of healing, I am for the first time in too many years without an unhealthy companion to tend to. My codependent heart and mind thrived within•needed a project•human. To dim any light inside myself and give all my energy to them. I have a gift of seeing the beauty in others, the light shining within them. Its so lovely and bright why couldn't they see? I WILL HELP THEM SEE AND THEY WILL THRIVE. They never asked for my help, none of them wanted it•change.
In a pit of despair (a shower upside down) that month ago to the day, when I finally said no more, stood up broken and limped on; I equated myself to the ring of power. (Tolkien has been joining me on this part of the journey through the forest of my life & being. I am grateful for someone to share in the adventure with.) When a human gets too close, the goodness within them does not survive. The intensity is too strong; I have no control. Everyone I try to love becomes twisted, dark & possessed. Even to this day, strangers reach out to touch me "Your hands are so warm!" without thinking•knowing•caring what they are even doing. A shoulder here, a leg over there. Hands always...wrists towards the garden. Too much. Too much.
Within my meditations recently I am finding gratitude within the intensity & trying to be much kinder to myself as well as the journey arriving to this moment. Now overjoyed to have Tolkien within the forest with me...
For this moment of clarity & truth. For the chance to see myself as I am: honest always. For the love I have for others, to finally reach the self within.
Yes, I believe, I am going on a new adventure.
Sarah Botticelli
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